If you’re a diver yourself then you might be in the same situation as I am. My knowledge of diving has completely ruined my ability to watch a movie that has any diving in it.
There is just no way I can mindlessly sit and watch any scene with diving and not tear it apart. First off there is the obsessive desire to know exactly what gear they are using in the movie. As soon as a diver comes on screen I am taking note of what type of fins they have, the BCD, the regulator, everything. And god forbid they have something in the wrong place. A snorkel placed on the right side of the mask always elicits a groan from me. If there is an alternate dangling I am nearly out of my seat. Forget what the plot of the movie is, I am only scrutinizing the diver.
And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Usually these “divers” are placed in such ridiculously impossible situations that I can barely watch. Lara Croft leaving a temple, holding her breath for what seems like an eternity, then punching a shark with a right hook that would leave Manny Pacquiao reeling. Sheesh, give me a break. Not even Angelina Jolie could distract me from what was wrong with that scene.
Not to mention the depictions of the underwater animals. Anyone remember Jaws? There are countless films where some blood thirsty fish/shark/squid etc. are out to get you. The most aggressive animal I see daily is an anemone fish. How is this nippy little bugger portrayed on the big screen? As a cute CGI character of course!
Lastly there is the equipment and technology that doesn’t yet exist. We all remember the Abyss right. When do I get my chance to “breath” pink water? The movie came out in 1989! That’s over twenty years to get it together. Is someone on top of this or is this going to be filed in the same drawer as my dreams for a Back to the Future hover board and a light saber? James Bond had a device he could fit in his pocket and whip out for a quick bubble out of a sinking submarine or a leisurely swim under polar ice caps. How useful would that be? No more tanks or regulators, sign me up!
And speaking of escaping from submarines, those scenes have always bugged me. A sub/plane/car starts its uncontrollable descent and it takes a while for our hero to slip out the side door. Presumably the sub/plane/car is considerably deeper now. So they just waltz out the door where the pressure is at least a few times more than what it was seconds ago. Do they need to equalize? Nope that stuff is for lesser people than Hollywood action stars.
What about movies where they are just free diving though. No gear means it must be more accurate right? Aside from The Big Blue (that’s just a great movie plain and simple) they are just as hard to watch. Next time try to take a big breath and hold it as soon as the person on the screen drops their head underwater. Now keep holding that till they take their next breath. Good luck with that one!
Hollywood budgets being what they are they must have been able to afford a scuba consultant. Most of my open water students could tell these big shot directors that what they are portraying is not correct. In fact I could do a bang up job. Maybe it’s time I shot a resume over to Hollywood. Make sure to check the credits after that next big dive movie, then when you’re next in Hollywood give me a shout. I’ll show you around town, unless I’m too busy teaching celebrities how to dive that is!
